It starts right now...

There has been a saying recently, that I have been overusing.

"Tomorrow, I will start...."

As soon as tomorrow comes and a days work put behind me, whatever I was meant to be starting has become, "Tomorrow, I will do this".

When I was thinking of something to write for this weeks/every other day post, (OK let's face it, when I can be bothered to write). I had many ideas in mind that was flown into the wind when I said those words, "tomorrow, I will write this post.." 
Two days later, I was still thinking; tomorrow this post will be written. It only dawned on me yesterday, that I have been putting off a lot of things. A lot of wishes, desires or life changing/working towards decisions.

Why am I still putting tasks and actions off? What is possibly going on inside my head that is stopping me from doing things? I really wasn't lying when I said I was the queen of procrastinations. But since when did I start forgetting about my self control into doing things or stopping me from doing things I shouldn't be doing.

I have only decided that I am being consumed by fear. Wanting to do things that are outside my comfort zone or outside my box. I become so overwhelmed of what could happen and inside my head they are never positives thoughts.
I want to go to university and gain an English Literature degree. Which I have decided to do something about it in January, we have now rolled into May. I have spent three months of putting it off. Only managing a course research and destinations I would like to explore and move too. I have also learned that for me to do the degree is to go back into college for a year because, they do not accept my current qualifications. Now I am in May, I have pretty much convinced myself that I have missed the student loans deadline and will have to wait another year again.
The need to take on exercising again! I keep saying this, since I moved to Bristol and have so far managed to go running ten-fifteen times. Working and being stuck in traffic for over an hour can really take it out of you physically and mentally. By the time I have reached home from the traffic, I am pretty much ready to give up on life altogether.

These are now becoming poor excuses. Am I good enough? Am I good enough to live my life the way I want to live it? Everyone says yes to that. I even say yes to it, so why am I different from that?
So I am going to CHANGE  my ways. The key word being change and not trying, because I know if I had put, "I am going to try and change my ways." Things won't get done.
Researching, reading and looking things up will be my starting right now point. Creating ad dream board and revising the wants realistically. It's to stand up and fight the "tomorrow" monster with my sword of "Getting it done now."

Have your V-day feelings passed?

Hello Lovely World.
How are you all?
Did you have a good Valentines day/weekend? Did you all do something extremely nice?
Are we now over the Valentines honeymoon period? I am typing this whilst watching Let The Right One In. I think it is officially V-day over for me. But then again, didn't Let The Right One In have a little romance between the vampire and the boy? If so, then I have some sick V-day shit going on right now.
Has anybody actually seen the films? Or better read the book?  I love the sick twisted book, I remember reading it and actually wanted to throw up at one point!! Good book, Good book.

Valentines day also had me thinking....:
Creative thinking that is:

I remember feeling all my senses fading into something new. With each page that was turned, the smell of car fumes and many different body odours that was travelling around me on their daily business, but evaporated. With every word my eyes lay upon all fades but an image created before me. The mumbles of voices, cars whizzing by and beeping their horns at the rudely people around them, all but fades and are replaced with speech marked voices from this world I have entered.

There she sits with another book spread opened in her hands. Eyes glazed over as she absorbs the words from the pages before her. Every day upon my lunch break I see her. I see her constantly reading and never look up. My thoughts of her are always questions I want answered. What if I sit next to her, will she look up and notice me? Strike up a conversation? What are you reading?
Silly little thoughts. She has always been far to engrossed on those books she reads, what is it now? The fifth book she has read through, during her time upon on the bench?
It's her beauty that has me entranced. I could stand and watch her for hours just reading. Reading forever to our hearts content. My watching, her reading endlessly.
I couldn't stand there forever though. I must eat and return to the reality I have set myself. Continue to walk, I allow the surrounding people to cover up the mysterious girl who reads. I pass the flower shop to reach my Tescos.
A flower shop. Like all romantic stories and films, I'll impress and set up a little adventure. Each passing day as she becomes engross I will present her a single red rose. Lie it beside her on the next seat of the bench.
A single red rose, for her.

A alarm, sends me from one reality to another. I replace the bookmark and lay the book on my lap, allowing my senses to return to the busy city life. Glancing around, I prepare to stand. That's when I notice the rose, a single red rose, laid next to me bare. I look around for someone who could have placed it there. Not a sight, picking it up and holding it to my nose. I never got round of describing a scent of the rose, but the pure darkest red colour had always got my heart pounding in awe.

An Incident Of A Dog in the Night Time..

Hello Little World!

I feel we are quite little today, no idea why? I just felt the word little was a good word to put today, and today I am just going with gut instinct.

Also, my gut instinct and with help on procrastinating, I created this on my face.





Just thought, it was something else that could be shared with you all. I am still playing with all the makeup from my Clothes Show.



I have been doing a lot of thinking this week, as well as a lot of reading! I've finished two books this week alone. Ok, one of them was a real quick and easy read, but I still enjoyed it.

Let's get my book review on the road. I was going to do a filmed version of this book review, but I preferred  to do it this way. 

To all my fellow readers, you may have heard the tragic story of the ceiling caving in at the Apollo theatre. I wasn't there. I wished I was? Not really, that sounds far too risky. I only have wanted to be there because of the production that was showing at the time of the ceiling caving in. 

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime.

(N.B. is it still running at another theatre? I mean, I know it was a year ago or about a year ago, but I still want to see it. Could you please let me know?)

This is a story about a young male known as Christopher. Christopher has Aspergers Syndrome. He sees everything in a logical way. Christopher undergoes an investigation, over a death of his neighbor's dog. Who was tragically killed by a pitch fork. During Christopher detective work, he uncovers a family secret (to put it in the best way possible in my head tonight) and finds out who killed Wellington, (the neighbours dog, incase you was wondering.)

Christopher reminds me of a computer, his thoughts are so logical and mathematical, that I can barely see his emotions. He lets us knows what he doesn't like, and does like. I mean, I understand his pain towards the colour yellow and towards people touching me. As I read this book, he sounds like a computer generated voice or those voices that talk without emotion. The best voice I can describe is Daria, that American animated teenage sitcom? Remember her? But Christopher voice is more of a 14 year old teenager, with no emotion. Why am I finding it so hard to explain this today?

Christopher finds something he shouldn't have and becomes fearful of his father, this causes him to travel to London to live with his mother, whom he had thought was dead. Christopher doesn't like being around places with too many people there. This was a particular interesting read, as I was able to relate to how Christopher felt and what he physically does, is what I used to want to do. The book shows Christopher becoming courageous and developing a sense of determination in controlling his own future and that is why I have fully enjoyed the book.

I particularly really enjoyed how Christopher likes to refer to himself as Sherlock Holmes. He seemed to be a fan of Sherlock Holmes as am I.When you can relate to the character, you just know you are in for a good read. Christopher then stated the most interesting like and dislike of his, that actually had Christina and I have an interesting conversation. Christopher had expressed his enjoyment in reading Sherlock Holmes with which ones was his favourite books. He also expressed a dislike towards Sherlock Holmes's author, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, due to Doyles' interest in the world of the supernatural when his son died of influenza. 

This has brought me to the question, if you had to choose on who you liked the best? Sherlock Holmes or Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

The author is Mark Haddon, I feel has shown an understanding of the world behind the eyes of the syndrome. I would also like to point out, that I have no clue of the syndrome and the comment I just made is possibly an extremely biased comment. He has created a book that was funny, with a twist and extremely capturing.

 I haven't read a book like that in a long time, so he gets good Facebook style 'Thumbs up' from me on this book.

So, has anyone read this book? What are views upon this book? Let me know. 

Welcome to the new... Little Talks?

Hello world!
How have you all been?
Me? Oh, well.... We'll get to that OK?

It's been awhile. What has it been? Two weeks?
I am truly sorry for the lack of updating, but if you would like to know. I have not let you down, I have let myself down. The general plan for 2014 was to post a lot more. I have failed my life.

Which brings me to my next point! Lets hope I stick to it, you all know I like to wander during my whatever we call it, because it is not really a rant or a moan. Lets call it our "Little Talks." They sound friendly in some cynical way.
I'll be honest, I've missed you imaginary readers! I missed writing in this.
OK, I've slipped from the point I was making.

So, there has been a couple of reasons why it has been two weeks and not every other day.

• I've moved! Again, third house to live in, within five months of moving to Bristol.. And this one might be a winner. Even though I am already trying to think of a new city move to. Suggestions please?
• The main point... I've been questioning my life again. 

Yes, I have actually put myself into that roll on the floor, rocking backwards and forward, banging my head against a wall times the past couple of weeks. I really should have seen it coming, hormones, the move, the resettling in, money, the job.

I have had people and I will quote, 

"Are you OK? You seem a bit down and daydreaming lately?"

 I would love to have replied with; "Well, no actually, I am currently questioning my existence in my life upon this universe and why am I here? Also along with thoughts of, am I good enough, Am I in the right job? Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? What Am doing with my life?"
The reply was, for those who wants to know was; "Yeah. Sorry, I'm just thinking about...*insert boring related thing to whatever it is I am actually doing*."
So..... yes. I have been really tired with just thinking about these thoughts and I just haven't really been thinking about anything else.
Whilst I have been so involved with these thoughts, the main thing I have been trying to figure out is; what am I doing with my life. The problem with that thought, is the emotion that comes with it. Being a female it can come twice as worst, give and take the time of month. To me, all I can see was all these people who had it thought out. Everyone around, on the internet, just generally EVERYWHERE, knows what they doing with their life, knows what they want to do with it, knows where they heading- whether it be falling in love, getting married, having children, travelling the world, getting that dream job, completing their life task that they was set out to do.
The truth is! They don't. You guys don't right? I mean, the ones who know where they want to go career wise is because they had the support, the knowledge all their lives. It what they have been thought to do, it's 'in their blood'! Whatever that means.
It's like I need a plan! People work well with plans.
I DON'T!

How did you get out of this trail of thoughts Claire?
Well, they come and go and I know in a few months, or in a few weeks they will come back, unless I make the ultimate change.

As you may know it is Chinese New Year this week, or does officially start tomorrow or Wednesday? Well, besides the case. You are all aware that in a New Year post, I have said that I concentrate more on my resolutions during Chinese New Year. I don't know who I want to be, or what I want to achieve out of life. But there is definitely one thing I do want to be and that is happy.
I don't want to be in one place for the rest of my life, but I know that I want a job or something that holds a very good interest in mine. Such as BOOKS!

I also want to concentrate on another interest of mine, other than books. Well another two interest of mine.
I want to get back into paintings and drawing. I really miss the days where I would spend my time drawing and then changing it into a watercolour feature.
Another one is fashion. I love fashion, I love keeping an eye on the fashion weeks and the collections provided, and with a great help from the internet and the high streets, I can keep more up to date with it all.
A new change for Claire, is finding her own style. Since living in a small quiet town, I have found the females all just copy each other fashion, which is fantastic as it helps set the trend. But what I need is something that just says, Claire. So something rebellious, enchanting and imaginative.

Rebellious, Enchanting and Imaginative. I like those three words. I think I will have them mark somewhere, so I can see them. Not like tattoos! I'm thinking maybe creating a large canvas and sticking it somewhere, or a piece of jewelry made or something.

This is where... Excuse just analysing myself. Although I need friends and time to socialise, but I also need to time to myself and doing what I love. I have had it in my head for so long, that I need to get out and stop being cooped up inside, which has forced me to go out and stop doing what I wanted to do in the first place. Lets just combine the two now, yes?

What do you think? Do you have any similar stories, and how did you get over these trail of thoughts?

A Good Kick Up The...

Hello World, how are you?
Ok, I have been on this page an hour now and I still haven't wrote anything. Only because I found this online shopping website and fallen in love with the sweaters...
I mean, I want!

I think I might be a little hooked and possibly found some form shopping for my winter wardrobe. I just need a pay day! 

The website for all you people that do want to know is.

www.jollychic.com 

Now, to put that one aside and to actually write what it was I am meant to be writing and that is..... 

To stop worrying about what other people think of you, and stopping yourself from doing something you want to do because you feel people will judge you.

Do you remember back in Secondary School (or High School), where you would stop yourself from doing something you really wanted to do because you fear that you are going to be judged or just being succumbed to peer pressure?

Yes?

I still do too. Only, it turns out to be a bit more extreme than what I actually thought it was. I will literally stop myself from doing anything that is remotely 'me' because I am too scared that people will judge me. 

Some people will deny this, but that is because I am so comfortable around them. This will take up to one-two years. But once I am comfortable around that person, I am able to be who I truly am. I am still young and trying to 'find myself' in this life. 

So lately as I am now in a new situation. Living on my own in a big city, in a shared house with some nice people but strangers and working with a whole new bunch of people. I have been finding myself physically unable to speak up my mind. This is one of the most frustrating traits I have and it is one of the most needed traits I need! Another thing that have been happening, is this increase in fear. I get so scared to go and shower every morning in fear that people will judge me for my need to shower every morning!

I'm a little hygienic obsessed in some areas. I like to be clean. 

Scared to turn on my blow dryer in the morning, that I might wake people up in the morning and then get angry at me for being too noisy! 

The worst one is reluctant to live your life, in fear that I will be judge in a new place where I quite clearly want to be accepted.

It's these little things and many more, that has me on edge for a bit until I am more comfortable. 

I've actually found sharing these thoughts with you, a huge relaxing process. What I do want to do is work towards putting these fears or worries behind me and to get on doing what it is I would like to do, that will make me happy. 

During my years since leaving school, I have noticed that no one actually cares what you do. So what you walk down Oxford Street screeching like a siren during Christmas period because no one will move out of your way. No one really cares that you do that, sure some will find you annoying and some will simply laugh at you and shrug it off. Do they really care about you enough to do that? The answer really is: No. All they want to do is what they are there to do. Get the shopping, then go home to their families or friends and live the reality they are happy in.

So, why can't I do that? People value a spoken mind (within reason, theres a fine line between speaking your mind and just being plain rude). Humans react more to a smile upon their face and good laughter. I don't know about you, but the most inspiring people are the ones who are living/working towards their dreams, doing something they are passionate about and working really hard with that passion. They have their own insecurities but they don't let them out as much as moaning minnie would, they joke about themselves with a smile and understand what is being said. They have their heads held high as they push through life, doing what makes them or the ones they truly care about happy and although they do give a damn what other people are judging them for, they just shoot them down or adapt their ways to suit the world needs. 

I want to be that person. I want to hold my head high, admit my mistakes. Most importantly LEARN from my mistakes. Doing what it is, I want to do without being too scared of the prejudice out there.

To regret nothing.

To live will be the greatest adventure.

Hello World.
Now I have been thinking about searching for my J.M.Barie Peter Pan to see if I have gotten the title to this post right.
I am still pretty convinced that the quote was "To Die would be an awfully big adventure?"
So, if thats the case I have tweaked it a bit to suit my need.
*queue huge cheesy smile*
I have been in Bristol for four days now and it kind of... boring.
Well, I think it would be safe to say that I have caught up on some well needed sleep and have even granted myself some extra time to sleep. Due to early nights and slightly longer lie in. Thats right world, I slept until 9 am! Which can be impressive when you are going to sleep at 10pm, instead of 1 am.
I have also been deluding myself with Fanfiction... I have one warning to anyone that has never read a fanfiction or considering on reading fanfiction, NEVER and I mean NEVER get yourself involved. No matter what your fandom is, there will always be one genre that will suck you into their never ending black hole. Ok, that was a rather pointless point. Black holes are never ending right?
So yes, I have been spiralling down a deep circle of fanfiction and no, I am not a Larry Shipper. Fanfiction writers, please don't hurt me. But most of you really do have terrible grammar and punctuations... Like me!
I have explored my surroundings, I have not explored my "How to get to work route, until I can park there with a permit." That I am going to do tomorrow. Procrastination and fanfiction, you have destroyed my preparation, thank you.. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

The unfortunate dangerous side effect of this, is the time I have had with my own mind.
If anyone actually saw my mind, they will see a jumble sale. Sometimes, when I am feeling organised, my mind is a file drawer. But lately due to the fact I have been involved with my mind so much, it has become a jumble sale. I actually think jumble sale is the wrong phrase to call my mind, because I don't actually want to sale things from my mind, because well they are irreplaceable.
The reason why it is dangerous, is that when I am outside my comfort zone, my physical wellbeing gets a bit overwhelmed and starts to have this crash down. This gets my mind extremely frustrated! Inside my head I am a strong confident woman that is begging to be released into the wild and take control, but for some strange reason she is constantly locked behind bars thanks to my reality of life. This is where the whole mind vs physical being comes into action. I start ridiculing myself for being so fearful and pathetic outside my comfort zone and I physically continue to fall into that spiral. It takes a lot for myself to force my mind to actually come to terms that I need time to adjust, that I am bored and not doing what I should be doing! Which is finding a way to get to work! Dosy Claire.
So, random Blog of the moment.
Good day!