A Good Kick Up The...

Hello World, how are you?
Ok, I have been on this page an hour now and I still haven't wrote anything. Only because I found this online shopping website and fallen in love with the sweaters...
I mean, I want!

I think I might be a little hooked and possibly found some form shopping for my winter wardrobe. I just need a pay day! 

The website for all you people that do want to know is.

www.jollychic.com 

Now, to put that one aside and to actually write what it was I am meant to be writing and that is..... 

To stop worrying about what other people think of you, and stopping yourself from doing something you want to do because you feel people will judge you.

Do you remember back in Secondary School (or High School), where you would stop yourself from doing something you really wanted to do because you fear that you are going to be judged or just being succumbed to peer pressure?

Yes?

I still do too. Only, it turns out to be a bit more extreme than what I actually thought it was. I will literally stop myself from doing anything that is remotely 'me' because I am too scared that people will judge me. 

Some people will deny this, but that is because I am so comfortable around them. This will take up to one-two years. But once I am comfortable around that person, I am able to be who I truly am. I am still young and trying to 'find myself' in this life. 

So lately as I am now in a new situation. Living on my own in a big city, in a shared house with some nice people but strangers and working with a whole new bunch of people. I have been finding myself physically unable to speak up my mind. This is one of the most frustrating traits I have and it is one of the most needed traits I need! Another thing that have been happening, is this increase in fear. I get so scared to go and shower every morning in fear that people will judge me for my need to shower every morning!

I'm a little hygienic obsessed in some areas. I like to be clean. 

Scared to turn on my blow dryer in the morning, that I might wake people up in the morning and then get angry at me for being too noisy! 

The worst one is reluctant to live your life, in fear that I will be judge in a new place where I quite clearly want to be accepted.

It's these little things and many more, that has me on edge for a bit until I am more comfortable. 

I've actually found sharing these thoughts with you, a huge relaxing process. What I do want to do is work towards putting these fears or worries behind me and to get on doing what it is I would like to do, that will make me happy. 

During my years since leaving school, I have noticed that no one actually cares what you do. So what you walk down Oxford Street screeching like a siren during Christmas period because no one will move out of your way. No one really cares that you do that, sure some will find you annoying and some will simply laugh at you and shrug it off. Do they really care about you enough to do that? The answer really is: No. All they want to do is what they are there to do. Get the shopping, then go home to their families or friends and live the reality they are happy in.

So, why can't I do that? People value a spoken mind (within reason, theres a fine line between speaking your mind and just being plain rude). Humans react more to a smile upon their face and good laughter. I don't know about you, but the most inspiring people are the ones who are living/working towards their dreams, doing something they are passionate about and working really hard with that passion. They have their own insecurities but they don't let them out as much as moaning minnie would, they joke about themselves with a smile and understand what is being said. They have their heads held high as they push through life, doing what makes them or the ones they truly care about happy and although they do give a damn what other people are judging them for, they just shoot them down or adapt their ways to suit the world needs. 

I want to be that person. I want to hold my head high, admit my mistakes. Most importantly LEARN from my mistakes. Doing what it is, I want to do without being too scared of the prejudice out there.

To regret nothing.

Determination!

IHello world!

Lately I have been letting myself spiral downwards the fan girling world of fanfiction.
A friend of mine, who has been reading this blog (YAY a reader! Thank you Elliot!), text me to ask, what have I been reading fanfiction wise. I'm sorry to say to many readers and Elliot. I have been reading some One Direction fanfiction! Girls you are scary but you do have me hooked. I have also been reading some Death Note fanfiction, Harry Potter and Sherlock. What disturbs me the most is the fact when reading Death Note fanfiction, it is always LightXL shipping. They are not suited for each other one bit, but I am hooked!
Ok, so to put my fangirling aside, I do actually want to talk to you about my new found determination! It has been coursing through my veins in full speeding pump. Metaphorically written, because I understand the demange that could happen!
I have done it!
I am now living somewhere completely different and have been living there the last three weeks. My head has been all over the place, it would seem to have slowed down on it's falling between the rocks and has seem to have landed on a more stable rock for me to sort myself out again. This rock being the determination inside me.
I am determined to write! Whilst letting my head falling around, I have also been living inside my own little world. Which has created more little fantasy things.

For example, my laughing flowers has appeared whilst I was waiting for my train to come, it was just by the stairs and it was just looking at me, the smile appearing on it blossoming head and widening to give off it chuckles.

Another example is when I am walking along the pavement and my world comes into view, my world which I still haven't found the name for yet. It was never just one world though, it was loads of little worlds and I (Lola) was able to travel to each one via a ship. Now, imagine that you are walking along this pavement minding your own buisness and then it all goes dark, the flowers all pop up at you, laughing. Lola ship sails next to you at the speed you are walking. Other things that can't be identify as of yet appears and then "he" appears. The one that will break your heart once he has it consumed. He's all chained up because that what you had to do. In his hands is the heart you let him take, evil smile upon his head.

I am also determined to complete this challenge I have set myself up with at work. I am ready to make my life finally worth living.
Next step along with my writing and drawing is..... SOCIALISING!
Good Luck Claire.

I also will leave with a few Instagram pictures I have been indulging in during one of my walks.