How about saying "Yes"?

Good evening readers of the world.

I dislike the fact that this post will be another repeat.
Another moan, another 'I need to change my life' or another I need to work on some stuff again, for myself to develop into more balanced life.
The truth is, I am a hypocrite. I haven't done anything in my previous post, I haven't been exercising regularly, I haven't even been mediating. Eating healthly? No.
Stopped reading fanfiction? Er, no.
Stopped eating chocolate? I've even laughed at myself.
Searched online for course, to develop in my career? I haven't done anything in the past eight months to help me progressed as a human being.


Everything I have said and wanted to do, I haven't done. I've moved into Bristol in September and I remember saying how I wanted to make new friends. I haven't made much friends. In fact I have been making myself more reclusive than ever before.
I have said that I would 'put myself out there' when I moved to Bristol. I'm still not quite what that even mean

How I said that I would work hard and change my ways so I can be happier. Could be happier.
I felt confident enough to speak out my mind and ended up losing a close friend over it.
The past two weeks, I have been stressing myself out. Struggling to get myself out of bed every morning as I have been deluding myself with thoughts and 'regrets' of what I haven't done with my life. A recap of looking into my Bucket List and actually thinking; "crap, I haven't done that yet!" I just wanted to cry a lot. It doesn't help that it will be my birthday on Friday, and the prospect of turning a year older and the only thing I know I am good at is: Well damn Claire, you are fucking amazing at procrastinating!. 
The deal is, I'm not going to change. What I need to do now, is to stop planning every single step of my life. My bestest buddy Christina has always been telling me this and why is it now? Now that I can feel the last crack of my porcelain skin starting to crack even deeper and fall apart, to listen to her and to try and stop myself from planning.
Come what may? Remember that Moulin Rouge song?

So, how about I start saying yes? I have isolated myself in my bedroom a bit too much. I have a newly made friend, called Dave who likes to invite me out and for some stupid reason, if it on work night I am forever saying no. I should just stop letting work control my life.
I need to stop trying to be too independent. A work colleague pointed it out to me, that I am very independent and that I should try and ask for help to help relieve some stress. It was this very work colleague, where I opened up about how I am stressing about turning a year older and feeling like I have made no achievement. The conversation led, to my past, upon my break up with the friend and how she couldn't accept my choice in life of never wanting to get married or have children. The colleague was a brilliant pair of ears and by being that pair of ears, she helped me realise that actually I have come a long way. If people knew me back when I was 16, even they would be proud.
If I could back to my 16 year old self, I would say: "Claire, that relationship is going to fuck you over and your going to struggle with love again But that is alright because you are going to learn to be independent and become proud that you are a woman, who knows what she wants in the world. Not many females get this opportunity, but you have achieved it. Word of advice though Claire, your still creating that confidence and you'll be fine, your still young and you still have this whole life ahead of you."
I've been panicking about growing a year older, because I have this silly feeling that I need to get my life sorted, to create another life. That is expected of humans. It's not. I've made my decision, I am now working on my own life. All this long term planning has actually got me so crazy and depressed, that it's been tearing me apart.
I have dream. I want to inspire people, I want to accept myself and be myself and be accepted to those who only matter. I don't want to be invisible any more and I want to see EVERYTHING.
Everyone has a voice, everyone should be heard. Everyone and everything on this earth.

I'm also pursuing this need to develop my own style and create beautiful picture through clothes.
So check out my other style Blog.- Develop the blog.

Have a nice night!
Claire